Dear Blake,
Every 4th of July I get really mad at my stepfather. I’m 12 years old and I love firecrackers. My stepfather won’t ever let me light the firecrackers because he says I am too young. Yet his other two sons that live with us are 11 and 10, always get to light them. When I ask him why aren’t allowed to do the same thing, he always says, who am I to question him on anything, or he wishes I would move in with my biological father. This does not seem fair to me. So what do you think I should do?
Signed, Colin
From San Diego, California
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Dear Colin,
Blended families can often create their own set of problems, as people have to adjust to new personalities, mindsets, etc. However, your stepfather appears to be the kind of man that plays the lead role of a psychotic dad on a number of Lifetime Channel movies. Here are some options. Buy a candle and cover it with some red paper, and write on it with bold letters “TNT”, and then toss it to your stepfather while videotaping his reaction. The chances are he’ll end up screaming like a little girl, in which you should immediately post it on you tube, send it to his employer, and every local news channel. He’ll be afraid to show his wretched face in public for the 20 years. If he’s ever thirsty and he asks you to get him something to drink, whatever you give him, add a couple of tablespoons of nitroglycerin. After he swallows all of it, punch him in the stomach and then run. The next time you see him, he’ll be at least 18 inches shorter, and none of his shirts will fit him because his torso will be missing. My favorite idea is this one. Because you live in San Diego, have him park his car as close as possible to the water at the beach. Before that, try to sneak some C4 out of an Army base, and place it under the gas pedal after his car has been parked. But only do this if he’s a very good swimmer considering how far out into the ocean he’ll get tossed, and that he has a couple of cans of effective shark repellent. I hope this helps.
Blake