Dear Blake,
I gave birth to my daughter three months ago, after 44 grueling hours of labor. My mother, assuming I would want her in the delivery room, booked her flight, flew across the country and stayed at my house without asking when I’d like her to come to help me. During her stay, she made comments about how she had flown 2,000 miles to “dog-sit” for me, that she knew she wasn’t wanted, and had she known my daughter wasn’t going to come on time (I was induced), she wouldn’t have “wasted her vacation” to flying early. The entire visit was miserable.Without consulting my husband and me, she has now booked a flight to come and stay with us for Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I’m dreading the thought of her being here and worried this visit will be just as awful as the last. I’d like my daughter’s first Christmas to be a happy occasion. I asked my mother to change her flights and come in after the holiday, only to be met with the accusation “you’re being selfish”from her and my stepfather. How do I tell them that I don’t want them here for Christmas while minimizing hurt feelings?
Signed, Harriet
From Austin, Texas
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It’s obvious to me that your mother’s unexpected visit, waiting the birth of your child, had noble intentions. It’s also obvious to me that your parents are overbearing insensitive morons that should be disowned, after they are horsewhipped. Anyway, here are some of my suggestions. Send an anonymous letter to the airport that they are flying out of, alleging your parents have ties to several terrorist groups, and that both of them are very efficient at making bombs. Do this every year at the start of the holiday season. Or, you can try to get a permanent restraining order against your mom and dad, and hopefully you’ll be making your request to a sympathetic judge that also has idiot parents. Or maybe this. Write your elected officials and ask them to pass a law that would allow you to put your parents up for adoption. If that doesn’t work, get them intoxicated and drop them off at an orphanage and let the state figure out what to do with them. But my favorite tactic in your situation, would be for you to flip the script. The next time they fly out to your home, you ought to be simultaneously flying out to theirs. You probably have a key to your old home, and they probably don’t have a key to yours, which forces them to stay at a hotel. And the best thing about your trip, is it won’t cost you a penny. All you have to do is have a garage sale for all of their furniture, and whatever else of value that can be sold that wasn’t nailed own. And to show your parents you have a good heart, whatever you can’t sell, give it away. I hope this helps.
Blake