BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood states that he cannot ground the Boeing 787 “Dreamliner” because they did not violate any federal laws, after acknowledging that his office has been flooded with complaints. The new commercial jet was designed to prevent passengers that snore when they sleep from irritating other passengers, by playing horror and slasher movies nonstop from takeoff to landing. Boeing explained that this drastically reduces the chances of anyone from dozing off due to the screams from other passengers, and the few that fall asleep, usually wake up screaming due to terrifying nightmares. However, to be sensitive to their concerns, as soon as the plane arrives at the gate, hats are handed out to any emotionally traumatized passengers if their hair is still standing on end, to prevent people from being laughing at them as they walk through the terminal.