BREAKING NEWS – Las Vegas, Nevada – Former football star O.J. Simpson, appeared in court requesting a new trial. In an emotional plea to the judge in a packed court room, Simpson explained that even though he killed his wife and got away with it, he was wrongfully convicted of theft and kidnapping which landed him in prison. When the judge promptly rejected that argument, he then stated that he has been given offers from several unnamed NFL teams to try out for 2013-14 season, and needs to be set free in the near future to get into shape. The district attorney immediately objected to that request, stating they can easily prove that because of his dramatic weight gain, the NFL does not have a helmet in his size.