BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – Irish people all over the Windy City were outraged when they found out that dye has never been dumped in the water to turn it green every St. Patrick’s Day. According to a memo by Police Chief Garry McCarthy who oversees the most violent city in the United States, he was fully aware that the green substance is not dye, but blood. And it comes from law enforcement looking the other way every St. Patrick’s Day, when vicious inner city gang members brutally beat up Martians near the shore of the Chicago River.