BREAKING NEWS – Hollywood, California – Richard Simmons shocks the world by announcing that he’s not gay, nor has he ever been. His agent explained that the health guru has compelling video evidence that he has always been straight, which includes footage of Simmons opening gifts on Christmas Day with his four children, him singing to his wife by a fireplace on their anniversary sounding like Barry White, and showing complete indifference to the ideas of an interior decorator that was remodeling their home.