BREAKING NEWS – Ferguson, Missouri – Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson becomes instrumental in a measure of healing for the ongoing riots. Law enforcement and protestors stood side by side, pelting his limousine with rocks and bottles as it sped off, literally running him out of town. Both sides unexpectedly united after Jesse Jackson using a bullhorn, requested donations to help him upgrade his hotel room, to one that provided WiFi, adult movies, and a continental breakfast. Jackson later stated that “What they did was collectively disrespectful, and I was blatantly denied my constitutional right to be on international television, to display my well documented expertise in exploiting a racially charged tragedy.”