BREAKING NEWS – Lincoln, Nebraska – The fine folks who run the school system in Lincoln, Neb., are on a campaign to make their classrooms gender-inclusive. And that means teachers will no longer refer to boys and girls … as boys and girls. “Don’t use phrases such as ‘boys and girls,’ ‘you guys,’ ‘ladies and gentlemen,’ and similarly gendered expressions to get kids’ attention,” reads a handout from the Lincoln Public Schools that was given to teachers. The children are now being referred to as “purple penguins”. The superintendents of public schools in major cities across the country have stated that the word “purple” is unnecessary, but “penguin” is ok, since most of the record low SAT scores strongly suggests that their students are “birdbrains”.