BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – The Federal Aviation Administration has announced some new federal laws regarding “passengers rights”, in reference to dealing with other passengers that have aviatophobia — the fear of flying. One of the more controversial rules allows a passenger in first class given the right to subdue any passenger that’s having a distracting panic attack by giving them a “gut punch” that could knock the wind out of them, which would minimally temporoarily stop the unjustified fears being verbalized. Passengers flying coach have less aggressive options, such as they can only put duct tape over the offender’s mouth, after restraining their hands behind their back with plastic ties. Senate Intelligence Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein stated that those rules are fine, but “the one that allowed paranoid verbally disruptive passengers to be gagged with someone’s socks crosses the line, unless the cleanliness of the donor’s feet is initially determined, to avoid torture allegations.”