BREAKING NEWS – Yonkers, New York – Consumer Reports has released its annual “dubious”rankings of U.S. hospitals for 2014-15. They said they stand by their conclusions, even though many of the hospitals found their evaluation unfair. This time they rated the hospitals based on what was consistent overall in the city.
NEW YORK CITY, NY had the loudest doctors by far. Patients from the city never complained, but people who were visitors from out of town stated that the hospital staff spoke unusually loud, and it appeared to be a company policy to use profanity in at least every other sentence.
BOSTON, MA had the most deaths on the operating table due to surgeons neglecting their patients and arguing about sports teams.
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA had the second most deaths on the operating table, because of surgeons taking too long to finish a procedure, because their desire to avoid splashing blood on their designer clothes.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA has the highest amount of doctors that had sex changes at approximately 60%, which often confused and sometimes traumatized the straight patients.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN hospitals were the only ones in America other than Anchorage, Alaska that was uniquely qualified to deal with frostbite, and not much else.
CLEVELAND, OH had very few people that walked in, walk out alive. This included individuals with life threatening health issues, minor health issues, and people simply coming there to pick-up someone who they thought was being discharged.
CHICAGO, IL was the most proficient at dealing with gunshot wounds, and was nearly as efficient as MASH units in war zones. Because of the daily violence in the city, nurses actually carried with them firearms to deal with the instances when rival gang brawls spilled into the waiting rooms.
NEW ORLEANS, LA had the most fire alarms go off, due to the ongoing burning of incense in hospitals when the majority of their staff were witch doctors.
DETROIT, MI did not have any hospitals in the city to review.