BREAKING NEWS – Baltimore, Maryland – Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake has announced that she is not going to seek re-election. She explained during a press conference her reasons not to run again, where at times she got teary-eyed. “Due to some of my nationally publicized stupid decisions, including my suggestion order for police to give rioters ‘room to destroy’, my refusal to be objective about the police force, and other poor choices I’ve made, I will not seek a second term.” She paused for a second to gather herself emotionally. “However, I am not solely to blame. I was told that if I had a pretty face, I could do this job, but I am now convinced that my staff allowed me to repeatedly make a fool of myself, so I am not solely to blame. I will leave office with my head held high sitting even prettier, knowing that I will soon receive my previously negotiated portion of the $6.4 million dollars that the city recently paid to the family of Freddie Gray.”