BREAKING NEWS – San Fernando Valley, California – The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was carjacked today, and the driver for the company was severely beaten and thrown from the vehicle. After a high speed chase, the police arrested former “Cheers” star Kirstie Alley, charging her with grand theft auto and several other infractions. She told them that she had just left the gym after a vigorous workout and was very hungry. She then demanded that the police give her an attorney, and a large order of fries.