BREAKING NEWS – The Hague, Netherlands – After months of hearings, the World Court has determined that United States succession from Great Britain in 1776 was illegal, and the entire country should be promptly returned to the rightful owner. Because of this ruling, the Royal Family has issued a statement saying, “The Americans who have made jokes about the upcoming wedding of William and Kate, off with their heads!” According to reports, unless this ruling is overturned, Bill O’Reilly and Jerry Seinfeld will remain in hiding.