BREAKING NEWS – Torreón, Mexico – Two gunmen entered a church meetinghouse in Mexico and robbed dozens of Mormon missionaries of their phones, tablets and wallets, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said.
All 70 of the missionaries – 13 sisters and 57 elders – were safe, although the mission president and his wife were assaulted and threatened with a knife, the church confirmed in a release.
“I already know what we will do,” said LDS President Russell M. Nelson at a press conference. “None of the sisters are married, and they got a good look at the gunmen. All of the sisters has promised to have at least 10 kids. So in about 20 years, we’re coming back with their sons, find those the guys, and if the don’t convert to Mormonsim on the spot, we’ll beat their freakin’ brains out!”