BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – During the confirmation hearings for Secretary of State, John Kerry produces a picture of himself from 1971 to silence his critics. Many of his detractors accused of him of having plastic surgery, so he will permanently have his notoriously sad expression in an attempt to garnish sympathy from voters. Kerry also planned on producing medical evidence, which suggested that people with elongated heads are smarter that most people because they have more storage space for relevant and pertinent information.