Dear Blake,
I am writing you from a padded room, because my children and siblings had me committed to a mental institution, even though there is nothing wrong with me. They collectively conspired against me because I am a multi-millionaire and they all want to get their greedy hands on my money. I want to stop them. What should I do?
Signed, Patient X
From Fort Wayne, Indiana
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Dear Patient X,
It’s unfortunate when money disrupts family ties and/or causes friction between loved ones. Your letter suggests to me that you are articulate and educated, but even serial murderers can get college degrees. If you’re really locked up and are a multi-millionaire, I think I can help you. First of all we have to show the court that you are rich, so we need compelling evidence. Find a way to start sending me large sums of money on a regular basis. I will testify at your hearing that the chauffeur driven limousine that brought me to court was paid for by you. I’ll also show the judge pictures of the 10,000 square foot fully furnished home you bought me, to show that you are normal and extremely generous. However, if you’re not wealthy and you actually are mentally ill, don’t contact me anymore, because I can stand a crazy chronic liar that’s also poor! I hope this helps.
Blake