Dear Blake,
I have been married for almost ten years, and I feel I have the 15 year old stepson from hell. He is disrespectful to me and my wife, he constantly has run-ins with the law, and rarely goes to school. He has also stolen from both of us on more than one occasion. My wife has a new job that keeps her busy, so she wants me to go out and buy some gifts for this young punk. She promised that no matter what I buy she would be fine with it, because it would be from both of us. What do you suggest I get him?
Signed, Alec
From Trenton, New Jersey
* * * * * * * *
Dear Alec,
Christmas time is a season that focuses on the joy of giving. But giving someone a gift with some sinister ulterior motives can bring even more joy. You could buy him a really nice coat, and then have some hidden pockets sewn in that you fill with crystal-meth. After you contact the police while he’s in a public place, you won’t have to see that loser again until he’s at least 21 (depending on the sentencing guidelines). Tell him that you recently contracted Ebola, but you’re confidence you can beat it without any medical attention. This should prompt him to immediately leave your home with the clothes on his back, that he’ll probably later burn. But I think this is the best idea. Go to an exotic pet store and buy him a rattlesnake. Tell him that it’s not a rattlesnake, and the sound that he hears are the bones creaking because it’s very old, and harmless. After he’s bitten, take him to a hospital, but take the scenic route where there is lots of traffic, and long street lights. If your wife objects to this choice of gifts, buy her one too, and place it under her pillow after she falls asleep. And it may not cost you a penny more, because many stores are having two-for-one sales this time of year to lure yuletide shoppers. I hope this helps.
Blake