Dear Blake,
I am 28 years old and I have been living with my girlfriend in an apartment for 5 years. While she was sleeping last night, I went through her phone and I found several text messages she recently sent to her friends, informing them that she needs her space, and she plans on dumping me next weekend. I am really hurt, but I can’t tell her I went through her phone. What should I do?
Signed, Nelson
From Kansas City, Kansas
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Dear Nelson,
Having someone abruptly and unexpectedly end a relationship is always painful, so I feel for you. But it won’t be as nearly painful for you as it will be for her if you conduct a ruthless preemptive strike. If she plans on telling you she wants out Saturday, then you tell her Friday you want out because you have been secretly dating her sister and her mother. Beg her not to confront either of them because both of them swore they would take the secret to their graves, and while they are alive they feel it could also cause some extremely uncomfortable moments at family gatherings. If you have a female that can mimic your girlfriend’s voice, have her make a threatening call from your girlfriend’s phone, promising to harm high ranking government officials. And make sure she’s on the phone long enough so the number can be easily traced. On the other hand, taking the high road and walking away from a relationship respectfully and with your head held high reflects and admirable level of maturity. So, I am suggesting that you seriously consider honoring her request. When she goes to work Friday, rent a U-Haul and take every single item in the apartment, never to be heard from again. She said she wanted “space”, and that’s exactly what she’ll notice she has a lot of after she enters the apartment and picks up her jaw that dropped on the carpet. I hope this helps.
Blake