Dear Blake,
This autumn I will start the 8th grade. I am thinking about running for student president after the school year starts. And if I win, when I grow up, I think I might want to seek a career in politics. Could you give some advice regarding my aspiration?
Signed, Tommy
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear Tommy,
It’s refreshing to see a young person interested in public service. The most important thing is to get the first win under your belt, by mercilessly attacking anyone who disagrees with you on any position. Whoever is your competition in the fall, conduct an extensive background check on them and their parents. Usually you’ll find some dirt, and if none is there, make it up. Allege that their great grandfather was a sadistic guard at a Nazi concentration camp. Post some bogus tax returns that you create on Facebook, and attribute them to their parents with some blatantly illegal tax write offs. Find a first grader that resembles both your opposition and one of the school’s teachers, and then start rumors that he/she is their lovechild. Add that their refusal to do a DNA test proves that they have something to hide. On the other hand, you have the option of running a campaign with you being 100% honest, display a high level of integrity, and never attack your opposition. With that extremely rare mindset, it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll lose… unless you run against someone that’s equally boring. I hope this helps.
Blake