Dear Blake,
My girlfriend is the most emotional woman I have ever met. She cries almost every day — several times a day over the smallest things. For example, she cries when she’s out of cigarettes, she’ll cry if the weather forecast is gloomy, she’ll even cry if she misses any of her favorite shows on tv. Her doctor has already prescribed Xanax for her anxiety. Sometimes she doesn’t even know why she’s crying. She also has anger issues, and the combination of the two has gotten disturbing. I want to end the relationship, but I have some serious concerns about her reaction. I heard you are a man with answers, so please give me some… ASAP!!!
Signed, Darren
* * * * * * * *
Dear Darren,
To end a toxic relationship with someone you care about can often be a very difficult thing to do. What’s even more difficult, is one of your relatives being called to identify you at a morgue assuming your girlfriend doesn’t take the break up very well. A “documentary” came out in 1987 on how unstable women react to being kicked to the curb that I think you should rent. It’s called Fatal Attraction”. You should also consider faking your own death, and moving to a place that she’ll never search for you, like Iceland, Syria, or Wyoming. Getting a sex change is an option you might want to consider, and then you’ll be able to walk past her on the streets with no fear, not even a nervous bat from one of your fake eyelashes. But if you feel the only compassionate way to end the relationship is face-to-face, then do it that way. And if her mental state is exactly as you described, speak to her softly in a humble voice, while wearing full body armor as you’re standing next to a SWAT Team. I hope this helps.
Blake