Dear Blake,
My husband and I lived in New York City all of our life, but about a year ago we retired and moved to a very rural town in West Virginia. There is a nice couple we know who make their own wine. They give us a bottle a once a month and ask us to return the empties, which we are happy to do. Here’s the problem. By our standards the wine tastes awful! My husband says “Dump it and return the bottle with a thank-you.” I think I should tell them that we aren’t used to their wine and for them not to give us any anymore. I just don’t want them to waste their wine on us because they work hard to make it. Please advise.
Signed, Mary
From Dryfork, West Virginia
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Dear Mary,
It’s obvious to me that you and your husband are experiencing culture shock with your new surroundings. Unfortunately, you two will have to make the adjustments, since you both made the decision to abandon city life, swapping it for a peaceful town who’s inhabitants are hillbillies. Ok, here’s my advice. They may be insulted if you imply that their wine doesn’t rise to your level, and keep in mind, even kids in those communities that are barely potty trained, usually walk around carrying a rifle. Or you can tell them that you and your spouse are recovering alcoholics so you can’t drink their concoction, but you’ll still use it to clean cuts, since it is highly unlikely that anyone in that town has ever heard of a vaccination. If they ever extend a dinner invitation, bring your own soft drinks, so you won’t be forced to consume their moonshine while you’re reluctantly eating their carefully prepared road kill. But if you really want to be a good neighbor, you should also give them a gift because they probably aren’t well traveled. If they have kids, give the “young’uns” a toothbrush and some toothpaste. And then you can tell the couple how much more they’d enjoy their meals if they had dentures. My guess is, they’ll either be grateful for your compassion, or they’ll throw you out of their shack at gunpoint. I hope this helps.
Blake