Dear Blake,
My mother is my best friend, but I can’t stop yelling at her for invading my privacy. I have just learned that she has read all my journals since I was 9. She also figured out all my passwords to my e-mail, online blogs and social network accounts. I have lived away from home for six years. I no longer feel I can leave my mother alone in my apartment because she goes through my text messages, call list, letters, bills, bank statements, etc. I have now stopped writing, which was my only outlet of expression, because of her snooping. She says I hurt her feelings when I yell, but I have reached the end of my rope. Please advise.
Signed, Missy
From Nashville, Tennessee
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Dear Missy,
If you mother hacked into any of your online accounts, that is a felony. I am not advocating that you try to get her sent to federal prison, but instead I am suggesting that she gets sent to a county jail because it’s closer to home. If she is going to snoop no matter what you say to her, give her something disturbing to read. Send a text to an unknown number to someone, negotiating an amount to bump your mother off. Tell them that price includes purchasing garbage bags that will be used to scatter dismembered body parts. Let her see on your computer your searches for fast acting poisons, and a rough draft of a eulogy you are preparing for her funeral. You can drive erratic when your mother is the passenger, and then get visibly angry anytime she tries to put on her seat belt. But it sounds like your mom may be having some mental health issues. If she has really good heath insurance, suggest to her to get some shock treatment, because that may alleviate some of her anxieties. If she doesn’t have good insurance, she can still receive shock treatment. All you have to do, is the next time she’s taking a bath, toss into the tub a plugged in toaster. When you get arrested, and the cops are interrogating you, tell them that you weren’t wearing your glasses, and you thought the toaster was a heavily starched folded body towel. I hope this helps.
Blake