Dear Blake,
I have a problem. I’m 8 and I want a dog, but my parents won’t let me have one. The last time we had a dog, I left the door open and it ran away and never came back. I feel really sad and bad about it, but I want another dog. Even though it was an accident, my parents don’t trust me. How can I show them I’m responsible enough and I won’t forget to close the door again?
Signed, Mikey
From Tucson, Arizona
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Dear Mikey,
I am sorry to hear about your dog running away. I am also a little shocked that you, as an 8 year old, aren’t manipulative enough to con your parents into doing anything you want. Anyway, here are some suggestions. Because you live in Arizona, get a pet rattlesnake. Once they get bitten a few times and nearly die from each attack, they’ll be begging you to get a puppy. Or, secretly go through both of their cell phones, and maybe you can find some embarrassing info that encourages one if not both parents to get you a dog, or threaten to make the information public on Facebook. Or this idea. Ask for a cat, if they agree, try to find a baby bobcat. Once those felines are full grown, if you train it well, these natural born killers can be taught to viciously assault anyone that upsets you. Once your parents realize what you’ve created, they’ll probably get you any purebred canine that same day. And this last suggestion. Don’t eat anything for a few days until it’s obvious that you’re starving, and then call the police. When the cops looks at you, they’ll probably warn your mom and dad to stop depriving you of food, or they will be going to jail. And then later tell your parents, that if they don’t get you a dog immediately, you’re going to contact the police again, and allege that parents wants you to get used to not eating, by sending away for a couple months to a third world nation, or to Detroit, which is pretty much the same thing. I hope this helps.
Blake