Dear Blake,
My husband and I met our neighbor “Maggie” one day while she was walking her dog. She has since befriended me via additional meetings on the street and walks about once a week. She’s 68, has been looking unsuccessfully for a job for three years and has financial difficulties. I have given advice to her on job searches.
I have noticed that she has taken pictures with me and pictures of the front of our house. I recently came home late, and she seemed to be lurking near the front of our house. She has asked about our alarm system and when we will be out of town. It is starting to freak me out. How do I unload this person and determine whether she is just troubled or dangerous?
Signed, Arnette
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear Arnette,
From where I’m sitting, Maggie comes off as being a little creepy. Your neighbor is either lonely, nosy, or a thief looking for an opportunity to rob you blind. Let’s consider all three possibilities. If she’s lonely, pay for her a subscription to Netflix and other popular streaming services, and tell her you don’t want to talk to her again until she’s finished binging on any series that you suggest, so the two of you can eventually discuss it. This should keep her away from you for weeks at a time. If she’s nosy, start peeping into her windows, until she either tells you to keep your distance or she calls the police. At that point she’ll begin avoiding you like the plague after concluding that you’re at the least are weird. If you conduct a background check on her, and she has been arrested for theft, tell her you have a cousin that secretly that stays at your house when you leave town. An add that he hasn’t killed an intruder in years, and he was wondering is she could send a burglar to your place to satisfy his thirst for blood. But this last idea might be the easiest that will permanently resolve the issues with your neighbor. Set her up with date with someone on Craigslist. With a little luck, she’ll hook up with a man who is creepier than she is, and after that first date, you’ll never see her again… unless the police locate her through the use of cadaver dogs. I hope this helps.
Blake