Dear Blake,
I’ve been married 33 years. A year ago, my husband started wearing girls’ frilly socks and pink nail polish — the pinker, the better. He thinks it is great. When we go out, he has to show off his nails to everyone. It’s beyond embarrassing. I hate going anywhere with him now, and he’s mad at me for it. Advice?
Signed, Marsha
From, Moline, Illinois
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Dear Marsha,
If I were you, I’d be embarrassed too. If his appearance bothers you that much, you should dress in a way that will emotionally shake his foundation to its core, to the point where he is reluctant to call you his wife. Here are some ideas. The next time he wears some pink nail polish, you should wear some nails that looks like claws. And in front of everyone, “accidentally” take a swipe at his neck that breaks his skin and draws blood. Or, start wearing wigs, and only wear the ones that appears to have been approved by Bozo. Or this idea. Take him to a party where you allege a particular group of people will appreciate his attire, and drop him off at a convention for motorcycle gangs. And lastly, the next time he wears those frilly socks, you should alter your footwear, by going to bed wearing World War II combat boots. In the middle of the night, you should act like you’re dreaming that your platoon is under attack by the Germans, and you should run around on the bed, repeatedly stepping on his face and groin. If that doesn’t get his attention, do the same thing the following day, this time “allege” you were under attack from the Japanese. (Sometimes, history can be lots of fun.) I hope this helps.
Blake