Dear Blake,
I have been married for over 20 years and my husband is a great guy. But he does two things that drives me crazy. One is, he literally parked his motorcycle in our living room… literally!!! The second one is, he washes his hands in the kitchen sink, and when he’s done, it’s filthy. Please advise me on what to do.
Signed, Jennifer
From Springville, New York
* * * * * * * *
Dear Jennifer,
Because you are from one of those small hick towns, the standards for etiquette is a lot lower than that of a large city with paved roads and electric stoplights. The only option I feel you have, is to do something that is so drastic, that he’ll attempt to build a time machine, so he can go back to the day he was going to meet you, and leave town early that morning. Anyway, here are some ideas. When you know he’s coming in from outside, and plans to wash his hands in the sink, be prepared by having the sink full of boiling water. Once he submerges his hands, he’ll know what “temporarily” live lobsters at restaurants feel like. Or, fill the sink with piranhas. After he dips his hands in there, and pulls out some fleshless fingers, I think he’ll get your point. In dealing with his motorcycle that’s next to the couch, secretly take one piece off of it every day and throw it away, until there’s nothing left but an oil stain on your carpet. When your spouse asks where it went, tell him it was never there, convince him that he’s delusional, and threaten to divorce him if he does immediately see a psychiatrist. Lastly, this idea. Every time he goes to sleep at night, start the motorcycle and let it idle high. The noise will wake him up, but the carbon monoxide will put him right to back to sleep. If you do that, I’m sure sometime in the future, your cellmate might find your story funny… as you sit on death row. I hope this helps.
Blake