Dear Blake,
I have been married 28 years. I love my husband, but one thing really bothers me. I have told him time and time again, to no avail. We have two small dogs that he insists sleep in our bed every night. I reminded him again last night that it bothers me, and asked if he would please put them in their dog beds. He said it was too late because they have been in our bed for 10 years.
If I suggest that I sleep in the guest room, my husband gets upset and sulks. Not only do those dogs disturb my sleep as they move around and growl, but I smell like a dog until I take my morning shower each day. I work a full-time job, and he recently retired. Any advice would be appreciated.
Signed, Marva
Cleveland, Ohio
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Dear Marva,
I totally understand your husband treating the dogs like they are members of the family. However, I think he is crossing a line, by every night inviting those mongrels to a slumber party. So I think you should acquire some pets he won’t be too crazy about, and here are some ideas. Start sleeping in extra thick clothes, after getting some pet hornets. Or, buy a pet python, and encourage it to sleep near your husband’s neck. If you really want to rattle him, put into a sandwich bag some cooked rice, and persuade your spouse that those are your pet maggots. But if he insists on allowing those dogs to sleep with you two, then try this. Secretly train both animals to relieve themselves on his side of the bed once he starts snoring. And if your bedroom is on the second floor, make sure there is something soft the dogs can land on, after your husband angrily throws both of them out of the nearest window. I hope this helps.
Blake