Dear Blake,
I have a dear friend whose husband passed away six years ago. They had a 45-year marriage with plenty of ups and downs. She’s 81 and in excellent health. You would think she was 60 if you met her. She is very youthful and full of energy.
The problem is, when I’m with her she constantly talks about her late husband as if he’s still with us: “Oh, Joe would love this,” “Joe always said …,” “Joe would say …,” etc. During one luncheon, she mentioned him 20 times as if he were sitting with us! In retrospect, her marriage now seems to have become the greatest love story ever told, and Joe has risen to sainthood. It’s unnerving.
Is this healthy behavior? It seems excessive to me. On the anniversary of his death, she says she’s “going to stay home and be with Joe,” which translates to her being at home, alone, becoming depressed and crying. I hear how sad and emotionally drained she is afterward. I am at a loss about what to do, if anything. I offer a sympathetic ear, but should I say anything to her, and if so, what? She has a grief counselor, and I’m wondering if he’s really helping her move forward. My friend seems stuck in the role of grieving widow. I don’t mean to be insensitive to losing a life partner, but I worry about her mental state. Please advise what I can say or do to help her.
Signed, Vita
From San Antonio, Texas
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Dear Vita,
I’m sorry for your friend’s loss. In light of that, I think she should not be trying to get you to join him, by boring you to death. So I think you should make up some things about Joe, that she will never desire to mention his name again. Here are some ideas. Tell her Joe told you, that even if he spent eternity in hell, he’d rather roast forever rather than hear her voice. Or, tell her that her deceased husband often pretended he was going deaf, with the hopes that she would refrain from her non stop irritating ramblings. Or this idea. Tell her that Joe told you that he hopes you would speak at his eulogy, so people would know for sure how happy he is to be finally rid of you. But if you want to get her out of your life forever, then try this. Tell her that Joe used to sleep around a lot while they were married, and in fact he’s the father of two of your kids. I hope this helps.
Blake