Dear Blake,
I’m an 11 year old only child, and I’m having some big problems with my mom and dad. Recently, they stopped giving me my allowance because on my last report card I got mostly “D’s” and “F’s”. I tried to explain to them that my classes are boring and my teachers are all stupid, but they still refuse to give me the money I’m entitled to. When I recently overheard them talking about not giving me the bike that I really want for Christmas, I’m thinking about contacting the Child Protection Services to report this abuse. Do you agree with me that my are extremely mean and unfair?
Signed, Walter
From Glendale, Arizona
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Dear Walter,
For years psychologists have debated the pros and cons of being an only child. But I think if they ever read the letter you wrote to me, they’ll all agree that you’re an idiot. You’re entitled to your allowance? That mindset suggests to me that you’ll eventually become a freeloading unproductive adult, that’ll sponge off of your local government, the federal government, and any friends that will toss you a couple of crumbs. If you call Child Protection Services and explain to them your problem, if they have an ounce on integrity, they’ll come over and assist your parents in kicking your behind! I think your mom and dad should give you a bike for Christmas, along with some luggage. However, I do believe your parents did make a mistake. Within a week of you being born, they should have left you on the front door of an orphanage with a note reading: “Now he’s your problem”. If that didn’t work, they should have waited until you were around six, made a few overseas phone calls looking for an Asian sweat shop that employed kids, and sold you for a bag of rice. I hope this helps.
Blake