Dear Blake,
My parents announced during their recent visit that they are planning to move here. Because of a laundry list of complaints, including them being snippy to serving staff in restaurants, my wife has decided she never wants to visit with them again. My inheritance from my parents is my only hope of being able to retire. What do I do?
Signed, Alfred
From Jefferson City, Missouri
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Dear Alfred,
In my view, your situation has very limited solutions. Most of them puts you in a very gloomy light, and you may have to accept your bleak pathetic future. Anyway, here are my ideas. Tell your wife that you never had or never will have the ambition to take care of a family, so it’s important that you freeload off of your mom and dad immediately after they expire. Or, tell her that you have never been good at managing money, so you’ll need a hefty inheritance to compensate for your financial incompetence, that you will likely squander during your twilight years. Or maybe this idea, tell your wife that she knew you were a loser when she married you, and it’s either the inheritance or welfare. But if nothing can stop your parents from moving near you or with you, then try this. The next time you go to a restaurant with your parents, have one of the servers put something in your their food that will cause them to choke. And with a little luck, none of the customers at the restaurant will know how to administer the Heimlich Maneuver. I hope this helps.
Blake