Dear Blake,
I have a four year old son that is really hyperactive and regularly throws temper tantrums. The only time he calms down during the entire day, is when either I or my husband gives him a cup of beer. Other than my little boy talking funny, he doesn’t do anything harmful because we watch him closely. What do you think?
Signed, Joyce
From Baltimore, Maryland
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Dear Joyce,
Children your son’s age are often high strung, and it is quite normal. However, turning him into an alcoholic before he even loses his baby teeth is insane. Don’t be surprised that by the time he’s five, your neighbors are wondering why they often sees his tricycle parked in front of bar. Maybe someday your son will see the error of you and your husband’s idiotic ways and become a genius scientist that finds the cure for a variety of diseases. I would suggest that you purchase him a junior chemistry set to get his mind off of beer, and hopefully he is resourceful enough to create a crystal meth lab… that eventually explodes. With a little luck, the blast will be powerful enough to not only level your home, but also the homes of your neighbors, who’ll then regret not reporting your pathetic parental skills to the local police, I hope this helps.
Blake