Dear Blake,
Winter is approaching and I have been living on the streets for years. My raggedy coat is falling apart, and I’m worried about freezing to death. I refuse to live in a homeless shelter because they have too many rules, especially the one that states I’m not allowed to bring any alcohol on the premises. Do you have any suggestions on how I can stay warm?
Signed, Wilbur
From Chicago, Illinois
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Dear Wilbur,
I’m from Chicago and I know the winters out there can be brutal. You didn’t mention anything about having a job or seeking employment, so I’m assuming that you’re one of those lazy drunks that my friends and I used to laugh at when we were kids. One tip I would give you is to manage the money very carefully that you’ll obviously be panhandling, as you stagger through the sub zero temperature. And try to stay in the liquor store as long as possible when you go in there to buy your daily energy drink. You can also go to a shopping mall and sit on the warm hoods of newly arrived cars to help to thaw out your worthless “behind”. However, if I were you I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Because I think it’s just a matter of time before you wake up one morning, resting comfortably in a nice warm bed in the county hospital, laying next to a box of all of your worldly possessions, which will include a bag of you frostbitten limbs that doctors felt compelled to amputate. I hope this helps.
Blake