Dear Blake,
I am a football fan, and I’m also proud to be a liberal and a feminist. I believe in total equality of the sexes, and I think it’s time the NFL let women play in the game right along with the men. I think this will open a lot of doors for us. I’m in good shape, and I think I could do it. What do you think?
Signed, Lynda
From Boston, Massachusetts
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Dear Lynda,
I agree with you that doors will be open if women started playing in the NFL. But unfortunately, the doors that will be open will be the ones at hospital emergency wards as these misguided women get wheeled in on a gurney. A woman on the field with those monsters? You’re an idiot! Those guys will hit you so hard, they’ll dislodge your ovaries. And I’m thinking about how many timeouts the coach will have to waste, because you’ll want a few more seconds to check your make-up. I think even the referees will get tired of you constantly threatening to file a lawsuit against the NFL, because the players are too rough and not treating you like a lady, and you consider it sexual harassment. But, if by some outside chance, some masculine looking women from San Francisco actually were allowed to play, if they ever got hit by an aggressive defensive linebacker, they’ll be so disoriented that they get off the ground, that they might be temporarily attracted to the opposite sex. I hope this helps.
Blake