Dear Blake,
I am 24 years old and I have had 15 different jobs, and I was fired from all of them on my second day. I am always eager to be efficient so after the first day, I make a list of everything that I think needs to be improved, and I give it to my boss, or my boss’s boss. If they refuse to make the changes I recommend, I simple ignore them as if they don’t exist, and than shortly after that I’m escorted out of the building, usually by security. I am thinking about filing a complaint with the Department of Labor and EEOC. Could you recommend me a good attorney?
Signed, Sidney
From St. Louis, Missouri
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Dear Sidney,
Your desire to be productive in the workforce is truly admirable. But before I would refer you an attorney, I would recommend that you see a psychiatric to determine exactly how crazy you are. I was obviously incorrect when I assumed that people were prudent enough to hide their mental instability until after they’ve gotten at least one pay check. There is a scientific term for people like you. It’s called “unemployed and homeless”. However, I have some rock solid advice that will be extremely beneficial for you if you embrace it. In the future, you can legally protect yourself by putting on your job application that you’re an idiot, and have no idea what the word “supervisor” or “manager” means. This way if they ever fire you for being the imbecile that you are, you, will have a compelling argument that you informed them in writing of your level of stupidity, and they foolishly lowered their standards and hired you anyway. But to show you that my criticism is fair and evenhanded, any company that chooses to employ you after you acknowledge that you’re an ignoramus, should promptly have their business license suspended, if not revoked. I hope this helps.
Blake