Dear Blake,
I’m nine years old and my parents are now going through a divorce. I’m an only child and both of my parents want me to live with him after their divorce is final. I love both my mom and dad and it’s tough for me choose. What do you think I should do?
Signed, Timothy
From Montpelier, Vermont
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Dear Timothy,
That kind of burden placed on a child’s shoulder is obviously very difficult. But you use it to your advantage by playing one parent against the other, and/or blackmailing both of them. Tell them that you want to live with the first person that buys you the latest Xbox, a bike, and some $300.00 Air Jordans. At the very least, one day after school, go to Toys “R” Us, make a shopping list and give each of them a copy. If some things have gone on in your home that they would never want made public, threaten to give the details to a judge. And if nothing really noteworthy ever happens at your house, tell them you’ll make stuff up, and lie your butt off under oath. You can get some ideas of what sort of embarrassing things that goes on behind closed doors by watching a couple of chick flicks on the Lifetime Channel. But most importantly, always make sure you keep a journal of your actions, that you email to a trusted friend on a daily basis, just in case your parents team up to stop your ability to manipulate and control them. This may be helpful to your local D.A., in deciding on a more thorough investigation to your mysterious death that the coroner initially ruled inconclusive. I hope this helps.
Blake