Dear Blake,
I’m 10 years old and a Girl Scout. I want to sell 300 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in one day, but my parents and troop leader told me that I am not being realistic. I know I’m just a kid, but I’m pretty ambitious and I think I can do it. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Signed, Lanette
From Washington, D.C.
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Dear Lanette,
I admire your focus and stepping up to the challenge. But seeing that you live in the nation’s capital , the best way to sell all of those cookies is to lie through your teeth. Have a friend of yours film you as you approach a well known politician asking him or her to buy some of your snacks. Those boneheaded narcissistic crooks will never pass up an opportunity to be filmed displaying some of their bogus compassion. You can tell people on the street you’re trying to raise money for a disease that only affects toddlers and puppies. Between those two, they’ll open up their wallets. Or how about in front of the headquarters of the ACLU, and accuse people who refuse to buy your cookies, of discriminating against you because of your age and gender. And finally if none of those work, get teary-eyed and tell people that if you don’t sell everything, your abusive parents will mercilessly beat you. If any of the adults say they will buy a large quantity of your product, only if you tell them the name and address of your parents, then give them the info. Even though this will probably anger your parents, I assure you deep down inside they will be in awe of how resourceful you are, when they see you during supervised visits after you’re awarded to the state. I hope this helps.
Blake