Dear Blake,
I have been married for 28 years and my wife has been playing the piano for about that long. She is terrible at it, and it drives me crazy! Every time she has taken lessons, her teacher quits out of frustration. I can’t take much more of this. What do you think I should do?
Signed, Timothy
From Columbus, Ohio
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Dear Timothy,
The fact of the matter is, some people are gifted in this area while others aren’t. I’m under the impression, that the way she is hitting those keys, you seemed to be surprised that they haven’t got up and hit her back. If she is as pathetic as you are alleging, here are some suggestions to persuade her to quit. If she ever plays in the evening, try to round up some coyotes and put them in your backyard. When they start howling, telling her it’s probably because her playing sounds like their mating call. Conduct a séance, and pay someone there to say that the ghost of Beethoven revealed to them, that if she ever gets near a piano again, he’ll strangle her while she sleeps. But, if none of those work, you can rig some explosives under the keys as Wile E. Coyote did as one of his plans to catch the Road Runner https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMAVMgbNTJ8. By the time she is released from the hospital, replace the piano with a harmonica or kazoo. Even if she’s still lousy, at least those things are easy to hide. I hope this helps.
Blake