Dear Blake,
I am 13 years old, an only child, and my parents are presently going through a divorce. The judge wants to know which one do I want to live with. Both of my parents have already told me that they will be fine with my decision. I have no idea who to pick. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed, Greg
From Kansas City, Kansas
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Dear Greg,
I feel for you being put in this awful situation, because a divorce can traumatize children. It really doesn’t matter which one you pick, as long you feel you’ll be able to play one against the other in order to procure your own personal needs. You should always keep a list of lies you can tell on one parent to guilt the other one into giving you anything you want. Both parents want to be in your good graces, and will typically try to out spend the other one. You can probably get any video game you desire, and probably get a new car as soon as you get your driver’s license. Tell each of your parents (separately) that the other one has a different overnight guest every weekend, and they typically indulge in séances under dim lights while smoking marijuana. This might also get you some additional expensive gifts, if not another court hearing. The only minor downside to my suggestions, is that if your parents ever compare notes, and realize that you have been conning them both, once they get their hands on you, their collective anger might result in you ending up on life support. But again, that will create another difficult decision for them, which is, which one of them will have the honor of telling the hospital to turn off your feeding tube. I hope this helps.
Blake