Dear Blake,
I am four years old and my mommy is helping me write this letter. I want to go to the North Pole to see Santa’s Workshop so I can watch the elves make the toys. Could you tell us how to get there?
Signed, Jimmy
From Downers Grove, Illinois
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Dear Jimmy,
So you want to go to see how those little people create toys that brings joy to little boys and girls all over the world? That’s a bad idea, and I’m surprised your mother would even considering honoring such a request. The buildings where the elves are employed are comparable to any Chinese sweat shop. But instead of perspiring, they usually shiver continuously since most of them die from pneumonia before New Year. There is also rampant workplace violence, where fights break out regularly that would rival any barroom brawl, which is validated by all of the blood stained floors. Obviously you can still go if your mother decides to take you, but remember this. On Christmas Day while watching your electric train go around the track, bow your head out of respect to the amount of elves that were lowered into the ground, as Santa Claus a.k.a. ”The Great Taskmaster” relentlessly cracked his whip over the assembly line, that’s also referred to as “death row”. I hope this helps.
Blake