Dear Blake,
I have never been to the United States, but I plan on coming there later this year for a vacation. Could you give me some info in superlatives, that could help me make my decision?
Signed, Danny
From Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Dear Danny,
I have lived here my entire life, so of course I can give you some ideas. Let’s see, New York has the loudest people, and West Virginia has the dumbest. Due to the humidity, Hawaii and Florida are the sweatiest, but people in Hawaii smell the worst because it takes longer to send shipments of soap and deodorant to those islands. Mississippi has the heaviest people, because grits and pork are consumed at two of the three daily meals. California has the most superficial people, and Louisiana has the most sightings of zombies. Illinois is the raggediest, followed closely by Michigan. Utah has the homeliest women (that appear to be Stepford Wives), and Montana has the highest amount of frustrated survivalists, that are upset because the America is not currently having another Civil War. And one other thing, generally speaking, the people in the USA think that most Canadians are idiots, so it might be a good idea not to tell people where you’re from once you arrive. Constantly bringing up hockey is a dead giveaway. I hope this helps.
Blake