Dear Blake,
I am a very wealthy man, and I am head over heels in love. The woman I desire to marry has gone to Las Vegas to set up our wedding. But here’s the problem. Every time I send here there with about $100,000, she gets robbed but a bunch of handicapped bandits that have one arm, and this has happened 5 times this year. And when I’ve asked to go to the police to file charges against this gang, she refuses because she said she might have to testify at a lengthy trial, which could ruin our honeymoon. She really wants to get married in Las Vegas and plan the whole thing by herself. I love her dearly, and it’s frustrating that she won’t let me protect her from a ruthless pack of robbers. What should I do?
Signed, Frank
From Tacoma, Washington
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Dear Frank,
I’m glad to see that you finally met the love of your life. But, I think it might be extremely difficult to tell the cops to issue an arrest warrant for those “one armed bandits” in Las Vegas. You say she has been ripped off five times for $100.000 a pop? Obviously you’re as wealthy as you are stupid. You never stated your ages, but I’m guessing she’s young and attractive in her 20’s, and your body (that probably has been around for close to a century) has deteriorated to the point where gangsta rappers can drop some lyrics to the rhythmic sound of your bones creaking while you’re taking slow steps using your walker. However, I reserve the right to be wrong, so if your fiancé was roughed up and robbed, then you should encourage her to report the crime to the police. But if I’m correct in my assessment of you being a misguided gullible geyser, then you should hire two of the biggest thugs you can find, have them take her to a remote location, and in the spirit of Las Vegas, give her a “royal” beat down with a couple of “blackjacks”. I hope this helps.
Blake