Dear Blake,
My wife and I are both 22 and are newlyweds. We are totally in love, and we want to avoid arguments of any kind during our marriage. Can you give us some advice that will help us avoid any and all conflicts?
Signed, John and Martha
From, Twin Falls, Idaho
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Dear John and Martha,
I think it’s great that as a new couple, you both put such a high value on your relationship. However, after reading what you two aspire to accomplish, it suggests to me that either both of you regularly use drugs, or you’re compatible due to your comparable levels of stupidity. With that being said, if you want to avoid conflicts in your marriage, try wearing earplugs regularly. The “honeymoon” will be over soon and it’s just a matter of time before hearing the spouse’s voice will make your flesh crawl. John for you, never criticize her cooking because that can easily hurt her feelings or affect her self-esteem. Instead give her a subtle hint by taking the plate of food that you don’t like, and throwing it into the streets from the front door, and then look at the ingredients of a can of dog food as if you’re considering eating that instead. Martha, if he’s not as ambitious as you want him to be, every time he comes home with his paycheck, look at it and then start laughing hysterically, while sympathetically patting him on the back, and to also learn to avoid reacting to his pitiful expression when you do this. But even if you two get into some heated arguments, it’s not the end of the world. Most issues can easily be resolved if both of you calmly talk out your problems, emphasize how much you love each other, and for each of you to have the phone number of your own ruthless divorce attorney on speed dial. I hope this helps.
Blake