Dear Blake,
I have a boyfriend that I’ve had for about two months and I’ve had a crush on him for a while. I was happy as could be…for about a month and a half. Then I lost interest. Lost the spark. You know why? We’ve been together for two months and a week, and he has yet to make the move. Plant one. He won’t kiss me, no matter what. I give him opportunities all the time, and he passes on them all the time. I am completely baffled. What do you think?
Signed, Lana
From Miami, Florida
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Dear Lana,
Your issue is not unique, and his possible reasons for not kissing reasons you are endless. One possibility is he may have never kissed an earthling before. Find out if he has a birth certificate with the county clerk. If they don’t have one, try NASA. How’s your dental work? If you have a very raggedy mouth, he may have genuine concerns over his lips and/or tongue getting torn to pieces by your intimidating set of jagged teeth. But I think the most likely reason he hasn’t kissed you is because he thinks your face looks really creepy from a distance, and if he opens his eyes, he’ll be terrified, and embarrass himself by fainting, If this is the case, a simple $10.00 investment will resolve this problem. So, the next time you have a desire to plant one on him, first covertly put a sedative in something he’s drinking, and then blindfold him. This is not very romantic, but it’s better than him reflecting on the countless times when he was a little boy, and at night thought he saw monsters in his bedroom. I hope this helps.
Blake