Dear Blake,
I am 20 year old female and I’m about to start my third year of college. Here’s the problem. I have the most overprotective mother on the planet! Until I turned 18, I was only allowed to keep a cell phone that she bought me, if I called her every 30 minutes informing where I was and what I was doing. She has even told me in the past, that because she is paying for my college, if I don’t like her mindset, then for me to pay my own tuition. She doesn’t know it, but last week I found that she follows almost every time I leave the house. It’s driving me crazy!!! What do you think I should do?
Signed, Karen
From Chicago, Illinois
* * * * * * * *
Dear Karen,
Mothers concerned over their daughters safety is something that most girls experience during their youth. However, your mother appears to be at the least partially insane, or a complete idiot. So, she doesn’t want to pay for your school unless you do things her way? Tell her you’re currently seeking employment, and leave somewhere in your home, a job application for the seediest strip joint in town. If you know she’s following you, park your car in front of a bar that’s a known hangout for Hell’s Angels. And then the following day, tell your mother you want to drop out of school, get some tattoos, and buy a Harley-Davidson. If she snoops around in your room when you’re not there, leave in one of your drawers a crack pipe, next to a list of convenience stores that you plan to rob. But the best way to get your mother to back off, is to let her find in your room, a contract you signed with a hit man, with her as the target. And to further enhance the illusion and to get her nervous, every time she starts to irritate you, playfully shine a laser on her forehead. I hope this helps.
Blake