Dear Blake,
I am 30 years old and one of five daughters. I’m single and all of them are married. I earn six figures a year, while they are barely making ends meet. Here’s the problem, when we were growing up, my four sisters mercilessly picked on me. They humiliated me in front of my friends every chance they got, and would often tell very private things about me to their friends. As adults when we have family reunions, they would at times bring up some of the awful things they did to me, and they still think it’s funny. When I try to get them to stop, they accuse me of being childish or having no sense of humor. What do you think I should do?
Signed, Lydia
From Honolulu, Hawaii
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Dear Lydia,
Sometimes family can hurt you a lot more than anyone else. Which is why you should prepare for an all out verbal assault at your next family gathering. In front everyone, inform their husbands about any sleazy relationship they had before they were married. If they never had one, make up one. Accuse them of getting their high school diplomas by bullying puny geeks into doing their homework. State that all of them are well known shoplifters in the neighborhood you grew up in, and then watch all of the women there start going through purses making sure nothing is missing. But if your parents are there, and they take issue of you making your sisters appear to have been troubled, immoral, roguish teenagers, tell mom and dad, that all four of them regular spread rumors that both of them are transgenders. I promise you within 48 hours, your parents will be changing their living wills, minus the four bimbos you grew up with. I hope this helps.
Blake