Dear Blake,
I have been married now for two years to a mail order bride from another country. I thought we were deeply in love, but now I’m not so sure. I recently bought her a new phone, but before I trashed her old phone, I was making sure that there was nothing important that she should keep. And I found text messages to her friends telling them on how stupid I am, I’m the perfect meal ticket, and referring to me as a “gullible loser”. I’m hurt and not sure how to respond. Got any ideas?
Signed, Charles
From Frankfurt, Kentucky
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Dear Charles,
I feel bad for you regarding the pain that you are enduring. The best thing I can suggest for you to do, is to show that gold digging foreigner what “U.S. retaliation” means. For starters, rarely purchase food. Pick up breakfast on the way to work, and have a big dinner before you get home. If she ever complains about nothing being in the cupboards, tell you are in compliance with a federal law created by Old Mother Hubbard. When she says she wants to purchase some clothes, drive her past some really nice shopping malls… en route to either the Salvation Army or Goodwill. And make sure she knows that nicest clothes you’ll buy for her, will be slightly above rags. However, if you find out later that she is still is badmouthing you, then end the marriage and get her out of the country. But first honor her with some new clothes, specifically bathing suits, sun dresses, mini-skirts, and sandals. And then hand her a one way ticket to Iceland… in January. I hope this helps.
Blake