Dear Blake,
I have been married now for five years. For the most part I’m pretty happy, but my wife does something that drives me out of my mind and it makes me want to pull my hair out! She nags, and nags, and nags. I promise her I’ll get around to what she wants me to do, but her whiny requests continue. She has no idea how much this irritates me because I have never told her. Please help!!!
Signed, Don
From Boston, Massachusetts
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Dear Don,
At one time or another, most husbands have had this exact same complaint. But you must accept the fact that wives are genetically hardwired to nag incessantly. And in your case, this will probably continue up to your funeral, just so she can give you some last minute instructions before they lower you into the soundproof ground. Most women know that no matter how much a man loves them, the relationship gets to a point where he will often get physically ill when he hears her cackling voice. And wives arrogantly wield this health controlling power over their husbands, knowing that they can heal them, simply by shutting up. But here is some good news. As you get older and gradually become deaf, you’ll be able to see peace on the horizon as her voice becomes less audible. And if you can’t wait that long, I’m sure you can find a doctor who is cash strapped, that will for a reasonable fee under the table, tell your wife that you have flashes of deafness that comes and goes. In other words, you’ll have a documented bogus medical excuse that you can happily and frequently use to deny her existence, as she barks out orders from across the room. I hope this helps.
Blake