Dear Blake,
Thanksgiving is next week and that’s when I start getting the holiday season blues. It is very depressing and a major struggle for me every year. I have never figured an effective way to cope with this. A friend of mine that reads your column regularly, told me that you always figure out a way to deal with complex issues. Hopefully you can help me too.
Signed, Jim
From Columbus, Ohio
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Dear Jim,
The holiday season blues effects millions of people in this country every year, so you’re not alone with your struggle. What I recommend for you to do beginning the day after Thanksgiving, is that you channel every element of your bitter inner Scrooge, in dealing with these good tidings and great cheer. For starters, every time you see a Santa Claus on the street, anonymously call the police accusing him of being a drug dealer, and that he is currently smuggling cocaine in a variety of toys. In time he’ll get tired of getting frisked, and his public humiliation may prompt him to seek a different seasonal job. If you have to watch tv, only watch MSNBC because they hate Christmas with a passion along with any other indirect references to Jesus. If you have to go to an indoor mall with all of their decorations and music, have someone take you while you’re blindfolded and wearing ear plugs, so you won’t be able to see or hear the shoppers stare and laugh at how strange you look. But probably the most difficult thing you will have to deal with is your neighbor’s Christmas lights and display. I would suggest one night you get some large plastic bags and remove them all, returning them on January 1st. If any of your neighbors replace the ones that you’ve “temporarily stolen”, I would suggest that you figure out a way to cut the power to that household. But use all safety cautions when dealing with high voltage, including leaving an I.D. on your body that can be used to contact your next of kin. I hope this helps.
Blake