Dear Blake,
I just received the DNA test that confirmed the suspicion I have had for years, which is, my ten year old boy is not my biological son, due to a mix up in the hospital. And after doing some research, I know the people that have my biological son. He is about to graduate high school, he has a full academic scholarship to Harvard, and is an obvious child prodigy. Their son (that lives with me) ditches school regularly, is disrespectful, has a foul mouth, and is constantly being grounded for smoking marijuana. I am so confused!!! What should I do?
Signed. Lydia
From Glens Falls, New York
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Dear Lydia,
No doubt that you have been traumatized after the confirmation of a possible nightmare. Now it’s time to address the problem and get that loser out of your home. Because of the obvious direction he’s going in life, for starters, get rid of all of his clothes and replace them with orange jumpsuits. For his meals, only feed him food that is being served in the local soup kitchen, and serve him near a garbage can, so he can get used to the smell of homeless bums. You should even consider blackmailing your biological son’s stepparents, and tell them that if they don’t pay you “x” amount of dollars, you will expose to the world what their genes can really create. But this is my favorite idea. If that pathetic excuse for a boy wants to get high rather then get educated, tell him you are sending him to a private school that allows him to get loaded anytime he wants. And it will be too late for him to do anything when the pilot says over the intercom that they are about to land in a remote village in northern Alaska. Moreover with a little luck, he’ll get manipulated by a smooth talking hungry polar bear that convinces him to meet somewhere, so that they can relax, “chill”, and smoke a few joints. I hope this helps.
Blake