Dear Blake,
I am reluctantly going to my nine year old nephew’s birthday party. I can’t stand him, and neither can any of his aunts, uncles, or cousins. He won’t have any friends there because he doesn’t have any. He is a rude, mean-spirited brat that behaves awful in public and even worse in private. But now I have to buy him a birthday gift? What do you suggest?
Signed, Amanda
From Chicago, Illinois
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Dear Amanda,
Unfortunately, everyone is related to a child that has the personality traits you described. So this is your opportunity to set a vindictive example for people to follow, who have to buy a gift for children from hell. Give him an “air guitar” that you’ll emphasize set you back $5000.00. And then tell him that if he loses it or damages it, you’ll consider him an irresponsible ingrate and you’ll never buy him anything else for as long as he lives. Or you can hand him a plane ticket stating it’s to Disneyland, when it’s actually a one way ticket to any number of countries in Asia that do not have child labor laws. This my favorite idea. Buy him a really nice coat, and promise him he will get a lot of compliments on it if he wore it in an area of town where there is the highest crime rate. And when you drop him off to walk down those streets, gently pat him on the back… as you inconspicuously place a very offensive phrase that will enrage everyone in that community. But keep in mind he is family, so be sensitive and visit him regularly in the local hospital due to his likely assaults, as he diligently works to regain the ability to feed himself, and possibly speak again instead of communicating using hand gestures. I hope this helps.
Blake